Well, as I sit on the precipice of a new phase in my life, I contemplate a lot of things. There are so many thoughts swirling through my head right now. I am not gonna organize them so much as just vent them all here.
This has been a difficult pregnancy for me. As you may know. I have been sick and struggled with minor depression like I have never in my life experienced before. I have had loved ones struggle with depression and not fully understood what they were going through. I have always been a glass-is-half full type of person. I can always find the silver lining in any situation. I find humor during the hard times. Until about 5 months ago. The combination of being unhappy with my situation right now in life and the sickness and hormones of pregnancy have changed that all for me. I felt so lost. I could not see the positive in any situation. I got so frustrated so easily and found myself snapping at Matt and Miki all the time. I felt extremely anti-social. I resented the fact that no one here seemed to care either way what was going on in my life and at the same time if anyone would try and talk to me or ask about my life I didn't want to talk about it. I found myself not smiling like I usually do. I would cry and cry and then be mad at myself for being so weak. Matt was so helpful and patient with me. I felt so guilty like I was not being a good wife to him and a good mommy to Miki. You always want your kids to see the best of you but that is just impossible. There are times where she would climb on my lap and give me hugs and kisses and say "It's gonna be ok, mommy." My 2 year old would be comforting ME. She has truly been a blessing in my life.
The good news is, that all seems to have passed now. I have felt so much better in the last 6 weeks or so. I really turned a corner after I was able to talk to my doctor and my sisters about all of my feelings. It is nice to have people that I can be completely open with and have them not judge me but just listen and tell me they love me. I know I have an amazing support system in my family. It was just so hard to be far away from it. There are many wonderful women here who I am friends with but I don't have anyone that I feel is a complete bosom friend. I am the kind of person who doesn't need a lot of friends but I like to have a few really close ones who feel comfortable telling me anything and in whom I can do the same. I love my friends here and will get there someday with them.
Now, another thing that has been on my mind lately a lot is Miki. The fact that she will have to start sharing me and daddy soon with her little sister makes me feel a little guilty if I am completely honest. I know that as soon as Lucy comes, we will not be able to remember what it is like without her. I know that we will love her as much as we love Miki. I know all of that. But... it is hard to really know until it is here and right now I feel bad. I am so excited for this new little girl. I am so happy that Miki gets to be a big sister. I can't imagine my life without my siblings and I want that for all of my kids. However, Miki and I are quite a pair. We do everything together and I love that she still needs me so much. I feel like I am taking a part of myself away from her by having a new baby that will demand so much of my time and attention. Matt and I have talked a lot about this and we feel the same. Excited and guilty at the same time. We have made a resolve to make sure Miki still gets plenty of time and attention on her own after Lucy comes and to have lots of moments with just Lucy too. I know that millions of people have gone through this transition before and I know it will all be great. I am just confessing how I feel.
I am excited and anxious for the birth. I hope my water doesn't break first like it did with Miki. I am already 3 cm dilated and hoping that means that the labor is shorter than last time too. (23 hours was a long time.) I can't wait to see what Miss Lucy is gonna look like. Will she have hair? What color? Blonde? Brown? Long? Short? Will be she just as fair and blue-eyed as her sister was or will she be different? I can't wait to see her little personality and watch as she develops a relationship with her big sister. Miki will be a great big sister! She loves to nurture already and takes such good care of us. She is so sweet and loving and I know she will help so much with the new baby.
So, now we are just waiting. Doctor tomorrow. We will be exactly 39 weeks. One more week until my due date. It looks like she is gonna hang on and be a September baby, not an August one. Which is funny because my 2 nieces that were supposed to be born in August came early and were born in July. Our family is determined not to have any birthdays in August. We have some already in July and a LOT in September. It's funny how those things work out.
Well, I am hoping that the next update will be announcing Miss Lucy Jean's arrival. Thanks for listening. Love you all!
Stef
